Was Joe Biden Even a Real President? Amerigo’s Least Qualified Reporters Investigate

It began, as all great investigations do, with a guy at a party. “Name one thing Biden did,” he said, holding a hard seltzer with total confidence. The room went quiet. Someone said “infrastructure.” Someone else said “the bridge thing?” Nobody could name the bridge.

And so, armed with a corkboard, a spool of red string and a deadline we had already missed, Amerigo set out to answer the question no serious publication would touch: Was Joe Biden ever actually president?

Exhibit A: The aviators

Consider the sunglasses. In photo after photo, the man wears the same pair of aviators, tilted at the same jaunty angle. Have you ever seen his eyes? Really seen them? You have not. You have seen the reflection of a helicopter.

Our photo desk ran several images through enhancement software. After a great deal of whirring, it produced a slightly sharper helicopter.

Exhibit B: The ice cream

By our count, which we did not technically do, the 46th president was photographed holding an ice cream cone in front of roughly every ice cream shop in the continental United States. A man cannot eat that much chocolate chip and also run a country. Either he was not running the country or he was not eating the ice cream. Our team believes it may have been neither.

Exhibit C: The paperwork

Critics have spent years arguing about the autopen, the machine that reproduces a signature. Our team took this to its logical conclusion. If the signatures came from a machine, and the speeches came from a teleprompter, and the eyes came from a sunglasses store, what, exactly, was left?

We sent a reporter to Delaware to find out. He came back four days later with a sandwich, a sunburn and no new information. He has since been reassigned to horoscopes.

We sent a reporter to Delaware. He came back with a sandwich and no new information.Amerigo’s investigations desk

Exhibit D: The vocabulary

Then there is the word “malarkey.” No American has said “malarkey” unprompted since roughly 1953, and yet this man said it on national television, on purpose, as if it were a normal word. Add “C’mon, man” and a lifelong devotion to Amtrak, a railroad that most of us only know as a rumor, and the picture gets murkier. Who loves a train that much? A real person? Or a very committed bit?

Exhibit E: The Corvette

Biden famously owns a green 1967 Corvette Stingray, which he loved to talk about and was almost never allowed to drive, because the Secret Service frowns on presidents doing donuts. So we have a car that is never driven, owned by a man whose eyes are never seen. When investigators searched his Delaware garage in 2023, they found classified documents near the car. Our team asks the question nobody else will: What was the Corvette reading?